Mother of Four Self Discovery

So . . . this is a written post. There will be no pictures just me "spilling my guts" so to speak. I need to clear the air . . .though the people who need this explanation will probably never read it. Yet it makes me feel better to get it off my chest in any form. Like any of these posts, you are not required to read this. It will just give you more insight to me, and frankly it wont be very interesting!!!

There are two different occasions that I need to write about. The first has to do completely with me as an individual. I love friends! I thrive on friendships. But I've always had a hard time making friends. So when people come into my life and become my friend I cherish their friendship and try to hold on to it. When Travis and I were married we had a couple who lived upstairs that were our very good friends, the Robisons. We love them! And miss them! So when we moved to St. George it was hard. Then we became really good friends with the Markels and the Graffs. Chitra in particular became a very dear friend and we did a lot together. So when we had to move again I was devastated at the thought of having to start all over. Evanston is a wonderful place but it was so hard for me to find someone I could connect to and become friends with. That is when we met the Williams. They quickly became our closest friends here. You know where both wives like each other and both husbands get a long, those friendship are hard to find! But we went camping with them, spent Sunday afternoons together, went shopping in Utah, and they became more then just our friends, the have been our family here. Kent became Bishop a year and a half ago. Recently I made an innocent joke to a sister in our ward that offended her and in fact made her believe that the Bishop was giving our family "inside information" about the ward and what might be going on. After I apologized I came to find out that perhaps she isn't the only one who feels this way. As I've thought about it and cried about it, I've realized that as a Bishop we can't put him in that situation. I cried a lot about the fact that the only great friends we have here are once again being taken from us. And since then I've realized that some of the comments I make, though innocent, do come across as if we have an "in" with the Bishopric. So though probably no one in our ward will read this, the truth is the Bishop doesn't tell us anything. In fact we don't even ask. And now once again I feel as if I am starting over but this time I don't have the heart to even start. The fact of the matter is that I am a mother of four children and don't have the energy to try to find someone to like me.

Occasion number 2 is what happened just recently. If you get on Facebook you might have read some illusive statuses. Well here is the story. I haven't had that hard of time with four so far. Granted the first two and a half weeks my mother in law was here, so really I've not had a lot of time by myself at it. But Monday that all changed, it was the hardest day ever. Maggie went to the Dr. with two ear infections (we've never had to deal with this before and it's not easy!!), Kyler was caught lying to me about throwing things out the van window, Kyler was also caught stealing a toy from his Grandma's house, Eldon was tired and grumpy (which if you know Eldon that results in a lot of yelling, hitting, and fits), Isaac was getting the brunt of Eldon's anger so he was sad a lot, and I was trying to get a million things done. I was tired by the end of the day and emotionally spent. Travis suggested that I come and visit him at work while he finished up the last things of the day. So it would just be us in the store. We do this every now and then. Our children know what to touch and what not to. They've grown up in this store so to speak. So we don't necessarily worry about them here. Well come to find out Kyler and Eldon had found some of the other employee snacks and were eating them. As we were taking care of that situation a man came up to Travis' office window. Didn't know who it was but Travis went out to talk to him. Come to find out Isaac was across the street. A lady had picked him up when she saw him about to run out in the middle of road and then took him to the closest business. Travis went and got Isaac and the police officer informed him that we were now on record with Family Services. I'm so glad that he was safe and that nothing happened, but something could have. He could have been taken or hit by a car. We still have no idea how he got out! He was missing and we didn't even know it!!!! What if that guy hadn't found us? He would have gone to family services. I should have checked up on them, but i was selfish it just felt so nice to sit for a minute or twenty. What kind of mother does that? Me. A mother of four, who has no idea what she is doing!

I know that I've said this before but I always thought I'd know it all as an adult. But still I am learning those painful lessons that give experience and knowledge. I think that most of the problems I have stem from that illusive Self Esteem. Almost at thirty and I still haven't figured out how to feel about myself. And I hate to admit it but I care a lot about what people think of me and my family. Anyways if you read all the way through this you deserve a gold star or a blue ribbon. But also my gratitude. Thank you for taking the time to care, that means a lot.