A Change of Heart

I hesitated writing this but since so many of you have expressed concern and have shown such an outpouring of love, I would like to share with you some of my feelings of the current situation we find ourselves in. There is no pictures in this post and so if you don't want to read it I will not be offended. I just want to share, get it off my chest so to speak. This experience thus far has taken me on a journey that I never expected. I have had to deal with emotions I never even thought that I would have to deal with. I have come to better understand myself, my faults, my weaknesses, and my shortcomings in a way that I probably never wanted to view them. Please let me take you on the journey of the last few weeks without going into too much detail, I would hate to have you know all those faults.
When I first found out about the store closing I was fine. I saw this as an opportunity for our family to be strengthened and for us to come out conquerors. I had no fear. For some reason I knew that all would be well and we would be fine. Then last week Satan came into play. He knew me and how to break me down. I found myself slipping from faith to fear in a matter of moments. I came to realize the seriousness of the situation and all temporal blessings all of a sudden, seemed so necessary, so important. I found myself thinking how unfair it was that those people I see drinking and smoking and living lives contrary to the right being blessed with those things we would probably never hope to see in our lives! Cars, money, fancy clothes, expensive outings, nice homes, and so forth.
Then I faced another emotion that I had never dealt with so strongly in my life . . . anger. I found myself so angry because of what men did in the name of "business". Integrity and honesty pushed aside to help themselves reach a higher plateau. It was disheartening and sickening and I struggled with an anger so strong that I could feel my heart harden.
As I've discussed my feelings with my husband and some of my best friends I have had a change of heart. I've realized some very important lessons. For instance the blessings that are temporal are nothing compared with the blessings that I have. My husband, my children, my health, their health, our testimonies, our Savior, our lives, our all. Those other things would be nice, but they are not necessary. As far as the anger I have felt it is starting to decrease. Instead I feel a sorrow for what others feel like is necessary to bring them more wealth at the expense of others and their reputations.
I read a quote from President Hinckley that has greatly helped me "Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve." This has become my motto of late. It gives me something to grasp onto as I pray for the strength to let go of the fear and return to the faith, let go of the anger and find in my heart the ability to love those that have and continue to hurt my family.
This experience has taught me a lot. While I have been hurt by the selfishness of some I have come to realize the unselfishness of others. I cannot count the prayers that have been said for our family, the kindness that has been shown, the resumes that have been passed out, the dinners we have been invited to, the suggestions that have been made. All done in the name of love and friendship. We have realized how many people here we love and who love us. We have felt their arms of companionship around us physically and spiritually repeatedly in the last few weeks.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I don't know if any one will read it but still it feels good to let it go in written form. In a way it is even more healing. We appreciate all the words of kindness and prayers that are being given in our behalf. Your friendship has meant a lot to us be it through family, BYU-Idaho, St. George, High School, Utah or Washington. Thank you!